To parents who pulled their ADHD and/or Autistic child from school (and could afford to do so, were able to):
You did the right thing. I know you probably question this a lot. But all the well-being stuff I’ve seen indicates this was correct.
To those who can’t, we are trying to fix it.
Just if you can't, and your kid is really aggressive and defiant at home. That child is hurting usually.
Don't be mean about how everyone has to do it. School can do a lot of damage, but a stable home and support can help.
Kids also coke can/bottle as described here. You need to know about this. It’s not personal even if directed at you, I know this seems like it is, but I swear it’s misdirected anger if you are respectful.
Don't make home punitive. Don't let the school enlist you in homework battles. That is between the child and the school, and homework should not exist. It does not increase learning, especially for ADHD or Autistic children. It does ruin home, and cause your child to run away.
A lot of positive feedback loops (as in increasing not good) occur during the school years. You can circuit breaker these. Let the kid do what they want after school as much as possible. I wish my parents had tried to take an interest in the stuff I liked, rather than ignoring it
If your kid is like me. Most of my learning happened after school. Playing a range of video games, reading fiction, writing bad poetry, spending time on the internet, playing outside.
Tell your kid you love them unconditionally. Yes unconditionally. Conditional love, means they believe they are conditionally worthwhile. Celebrate the stuff they are proud of, centre their feelings during this. Respect autonomy. Presume competence always.
Also pay attention to what they say, like if you can celebrate the effort, more than the result. I swear this is the best you can do.
"I got an A on that assignment I worked on"
"See your effort paid off"
This is a subtle thing, but you celebrate the doing, not the receiving.
Please if a kid tells you they can't do something in school work and you say "yes you can" because they are smart at some area.
They are usually telling the truth. They also probably need some help, if you can help them, be inquisitive and non-judgmental.
Spiky intelligence, multiple undiganosed learning disabilities, and untreated myopia (short sightedness) defined a lot of my ability to succeed. I punished myself for not being better for 30+ years. I nearly didn't make it. Listen to your child, trust them.
Give your child a comprehensive sexual education. Let them know it's ok to say no, even to you occasionally. Model healthy boundaries. Don't be mean about your friends or backstab them. I misread that for a while as ok to do.
If you lose your stuff at your kid. Admit you did the wrong thing. This will usually always happen. No parent is perfect!
Apologizing correctly – show remorse, admit fault, ask what you can do to make it right, promise to make your best efforts to prevent it happening again.
Don't promise it will never happen again if it will potentially.
Be compassionate to yourself. Parenting is hard. You are doing the best you can if you are trying to love the kid and not hurting them.
If you keep lashing out, seek therapy, you might have unresolved trauma.
Your kid might have issues task switching, bake in reminders before the switch from something fun to chores.
If you can don't complain about doing chores instead make it a fun family team effort. If you model something sucks, they will hate it.
If your kid laughs or goes blank during times of stress. That is due to losing control.
In these cases: Listen to their words, not their facial expressions.
I didn't have control of mine till age 14.
Drama and music were pivotal in my development, as were pets. If you can afford these I recommend them, if your kid doesn't like doing something new, find out why, if they still hate it after a few lessons stop. Forcing it won't help.
If your kid meltdown or gets super aggressive when loud stuff happens. Get some sort of noise dampening aid. They likely have hyperacusis and/or misophonia.
You cannot reduce the effect through discipline, you can reduce awareness in the child. This will lead to unknown anxiety.
Test anxiety is common. If your child has it, an exam focused school is the worst choice. If your kid has learning disabilities, they will be vastly exacerbated during exams.
Let your kid teach you what they learn, it will help with memorization.
Love your kid. It's worth it.❤
If you have a child who has periods, periods are more extreme in ADHD/Autistic people as a trend. It also plays havoc with medication efficacy. This isn't well known.
Be graceful and compassionate during the mood swings.
A loss of control isn't the child's fault.
We want to help. We want you to have a healthy, happy life with your child, and them to thrive.