I know you won’t get this till it needs to be written. I wish it could have arrived sooner. There’s some lessons you needed to learn, but they came outside of school.
You’re bisexual. Not gay, not straight. You love anyone who loves you back. It’s something you should be proud of, and one day you will. People will question this about you probably for the rest of your life. As for whether you end up with a man or a woman… we’ll, this leads to the next part.
You know how you don’t feel like a man and you prefer hanging out with girls at school? That’s ok too. You can be friends with women, people will lie about this too. Your also not a man, you’re beyond that. You are non-binary. You don’t fit into a neat category. You might have already noticed you are different in some ways. About that…
You’re neurodivergent. You are ADHD and Autistic – this explains why the world feels different to you. You need some good noise cancelling headphones, you need to wear sunglasses if possible. There is more to know but I have to prepare you. Unfortunately due to this you will be told you are a liar constantly, no one will believe you.
Your parents didn’t divorce due to you. Your teachers are going to be awful to you (but not all Mrs Humm will help you). You are not going to grow up to be Hitler, the books you read due to this belief are going to haunt you. It will be hard. You will start to obsess over this. It will cause a lot of harm. At some point you will find out you have OCD. It’s tough always, but it gets easier sometimes.
I’m not going to lie to you. You are going to run away, you are going to end up using substances, being addicted, people will do unconscionable things to you frequently.
You know how you love helping people, and seem to learn a lot about things which you wish to share – never stop. It might take a while to realise this as others will consistently hate you for it. You still don’t know why. That is actually your best quality.
University isn’t as important as you think. It does teach you that you were lied to in your education and in your upbringing about Māori people. This will hurt to find out. Lean into it. You won’t know this till after you’ve finished, but you actually learn better outside of a structured system. The thing that makes you believe it’s important is just adults projecting their wants and needs onto you.
You are going to want to quit a lot. You are going to eventually believe that being in this world is a mistake you must correct. You are wrong about that. You are not a burden, you have been burdened. I wish I could stop you, but I know you have to find out yourself.
All these things are true. You will hide them from shame you are made to believe by the culture you grew up in, but I promise you sharing these things will set you free.
You are going to dislike everything for the next few decades. You have reason to. But there are things about you no one can take from you.
- Disabled – but that’s actually awesome. It helps you discover important things.
- Good at learning (just bad at school)
- Kind (not atrocious)
- Honest (not a liar)
- Brave (not weak)
- Loving (not hateful)
- Smart (not stupid)
- Hardworking (not lazy)
- Passionate (not too much)
- Altruistic (not evil)
- Worthy (not a burden)
You’ll make it.
I believe in you.
One day you will too.
I love you,