I’m pretty subdued at the moment – it’s Winter in New Zealand. Seasonal depression happens every year and it seems no amount of preparation and “wellness” activities will actually do anything to curb this difficult mental health period of my life each year.
It starts in May/June and lasts for 3-4 months. Just doing anything during this period is hard enough, but I have been proactive this year (and every year before it).
I am currently:
- Spending time in the sun/outdoors when possible
- Staying productive on tasks:
- Reading books (still have to write a review for some)
- Writing chapters
- Coaching course
- Cleaning house
- Planning research
- Taking every vitamin
Pretty much everything I can.
It’s like an uncontrollable force keeps guiding me to the darkest possible thoughts and perceived future existence.
I know it’s partially tied to the weather as whenever the air pressure drops so too does my mood, summer or winter. I also know that this time has always been the worst in my life – mid year exams were the worst. My mood was bad, I got sick frequently during winter. I am not so sure if it’s chemical in nature or just an ever repeating cycle of being reminded of the hard times in my life.
The problem with this depression isn’t so much that it’s survivable or that I know it’s short term – it’s the experience of having it that makes it seem inescapable. There are times still where I do wonder if there will be a point at which I give up – I’m not suicidal – just exhausted.
It’s easy to know “this too will pass”, but living through thing you want to be over faster than is possible every year doesn’t bring me any more ease.
“It’s this awful time where all you are ever reminded of in your life is the bad things that have happened or are going to potentially happen is here for 3-4 months – try to think of other stuff but don’t worry I’ll always find a way to link it back to something hurtful” – my Brain.
I do wonder what my life might have been like if I didn’t have to work through so much of my past like unpicking a Gordian knot.
I get intermittent calm – but it’s always robbed of me as soon as I start to get to a point where I feel ok. All I want to do is sleep to be through this time. Taking any medication just makes it worse and often extends the depressive period out over a longer stretch.
I’ll be ok. I’ll make it through. I just have to ride out the darkness.
This song sums up how absurd and futile existence feels at times. Maybe I’ll get my mental health sorted in time to watch the world end.