TW / CW // MENTAL ‘UNSTABLE’ POSTING // SWEARING // SUICIDAL IDEATION
I cant help it.
I don’t want to be like this.
I really don’t want to be like this.
I woke up in a bad mood this morning, my sleep was terrible.
I was asked to go help my wife with the rubbish – that’s fine I hadn’t planned it – FORK used.
On the way to the tip – my wife notices it’s Sunday and the market in our town is on. I know she needs to look at plants and stuff for her business – I agree it’s fine – FORK used
I get home from the market and I am trying to do a Tweet on my phone but I have to close the gate to our property – that’s fine I had lost track of time – FORK used.
My Mum’s car is parked outside our place – it’s messy from moving the lounge around – my wife says she’s probably here to pick up a table – that’s fine – FORK used
After finishing the food we had got at the market my wife starts trying to move the table by herself – it scrapes along the floor in a tone range I hate – I have to control my rage – I get shitty and and help her with it – I end up carrying a massive table by myself – I think this is how I deal with rage – I hurt myself – FORK used
My Mum starts going on about how it has new scratches even though it’s been dragged on a thick cloth – she says it’s a new table – I disagree – I get told off for banging it as we try to get it – FORK used.
I can sense the anger and disappointment in my family – not at me just with everything and I have to take it on due to hyper empathy I don’t get a choice, I am good at controlling it but I haven’t had much sleep so I just have to bear it and cannot block it out – FORKS used
The table we moved has a lot of dust under it – I notice this instantly – I know I’m going to be judged for it because I am always judged for it – I start to vacuum – I don’t have headphones on because I am irrationally angry at this point – I think I am a psychopath again. – FORK used
I realise all the dust on stuff around the skirting boards, I notice everything is dirty – I start cleaning and dusting everything angrily – I have cleaning agent on my hands burning my skin – I am scrubbing everything – I want to hurt myself and I want everything to be spotless – I want not to be judged for this. A chair is scraped across the floor – FORK used. I put my headphones on.
I check twitter quickly to see someone has made a comment about no two Autistic People or ADHD people being the same in a quote tweet of mine about some trauma (they were relating). I know this – they didn’t mean to trigger this but people always assume I am generalising when I am not – that’s fine – FORK used.
I go back to cleaning like a maniac I know I am melting down at this point but there’s nothing I can do my family tries to talk to me – I tell them to leave me alone and just to let me do this – they seem worried – I take on their worry – I keep cleaning – I can’t stop seeing how I am going to fail the cloth I am using to dust keeps leaving small specs on everything I dust – they are magnified to me – EVERY JOB is a MICROFAILURE – You will never be good my mind tells me – nothing will ever be good enough.
I want to scream – I keep cleaning – I am destructing but at least if I can channel my uncontrollable emotion into cleaning I won’t hurt anyone. I go to clean behind a door and my Mum has jammed two stoppers where I cannot see them – because I don’t know they are there I can’t figure out why the door won’t close – I start getting mad and wanting to smash things when I see the stoppers – I understand but I am still angry – FORK used.
I have been vacuuming really intensely – wiping skirting boards – dusting everything I can see that is dirty – it’s chaotic it seems unordered to anyone – but the urgency with which I have to clean the items I see is a deprioritised queue – I have to do whatever my brain hates the most at this moment – I get halfway up the stairs and my vacuum cleaner which is portable has the battery die. – FORK used.
I knew the only way I can calm down from this is to write it all out – so I have now – I am rage, I am sadness and hatred of myself – I don’t want to be like this I want to break down and cry but my family will be concerned so I have to hold this in otherwise their concern is internalised due to hyper empathy.
I AM SHAKING I WANT TO DIE AND I KNOW I DESERVE TO LIVE. I KNOW I CAN HELP BUT I KNOW I AM CAPABLE OF HURTING PEOPLE WHEN I DONT WANT TO. EVERYDAY I HAVE TO BALANCE THIS – ALWAYS – A CONSTANT FUCKING NIGHTMARE OF TREADING A LINE BETWEEN RAGE, SADNESS, SUICIDE AND LOVE, COMPASSION, AND FRIENDSHIP.
DON’T EVER MAKE ME OUT LIKE I AM HIGH FUNCTIONING. I HAVE LEARNED TO MASTER THE RAGE I FEEL ALL THE TIME. ALL THE MEMORIES I HAVE OF EVERYONE IN MY LIFE LETTING ME DOWN. EVERYONE BLAMING ME FOR THINGS OR THINKING I HAD ULTERIOR MOTIVES DUE TO YOUR LACK OF THEORY OF MIND. YOUR ATTRIBUTION BIAS. I FORGAVE WHY THE FUCK WASNT I ALLOWED THAT TOO.
I DIDNT GET TO SEE PROPERLY FOR A FUCKING LONG TIME POSSIBLY FOURTEEN YEARS AND I CANT BE ANGRY ABOUT IT BECAUSE THERES NOTHING THAT WILL CHANGE THAT FUCKING FACT. AND I STILL AM ANGRY BUT I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE BECAUSE THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL WORSE. I HAVE TO FORGIVE. ALWAYS.
YOU FUCKING MADE ME LIKE THIS.
I CANT EVEN EXPRESS MYSELF WITHOUT TEXT BECAUSE IT SCARES PEOPLE.
EVERY DAY I GET THE POSSIBILITY OF LIVING BACK IN HELL THAT IS BURNOUT.